Pig attacks Tiger, defends Frog – Yahoo! News UK

22 12 2009

Pig attacks Tiger, defends Frog

Miss Piggy is the latest celebrity to chime in on the Tiger Woods saga. Skip related content

The high-maintenance Muppet laid into the troubled golfer during a pre-recorded chat for the Wendy Williams Show in the US.

She also revealed what would happen to Kermit the Frog if he ever tried anything similar.

The interview is due to be aired on Friday.

But in a snippet carried on People magazine’s website the porcine princess reveals: “My Kermie is nothing like (Tiger). I just want to say, he would never do anything untoward moi.

“But if he did, you can rest assured there’d be a hole in one… and he’d be the one”.

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Crossing a bridge with Bob Proctor

22 12 2009

Once, a man named Joe and his little girl were crossing a wooden-bridge in Tarrytown, New York. Joe was kind of scared so he asked his little daughter, “Sweetheart, please hold my hand so that you don’t fall into the river.” The little girl said, “No, Dad. You hold my hand.” “What’s the difference?” Asked the puzzled father. “There’s a big difference,” replied the little girl. “If I hold your hand and something happens to me, chances are that I may let your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens, you will never let my hand go.” In any relationship, the essence of trust is not in its bind, but in its bond. As you may already know, over the last 40 years of Bob Proctor’s life he’s been holding people’s hands and leading them step-by-step across the bridge to a life of richness and success. If you allow him to hold your hand… he promises to keep your faith and lead you to a world of insane wealth and prosperity. Click here to find out exactly how he’ll be holding your hand and leading you step-by-step to the other side of the bridge: http://su.pr/1ufnTj

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The Christmas Tree – A very Special Card

22 12 2009




How did they find these?

22 12 2009

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.”


- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

<><>   

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
<><>

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
<><>  

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>  

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
<><>  

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>
 

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
<><>  

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
<><>  

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>  

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
<><>  

Money can’t buy you happiness … but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
<><>  

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath
<><>
 

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
<><>  

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
<><>  

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
<><>  

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
<><>  

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller

 


For lovers 

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Year’s Best Headlines

22 12 2009


THE YEAR’S BEST (actual!) HEADLINES 
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges 
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ 
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 
No, really? 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ 
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 
Now that’s taking things a bit far! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ 
Panda Mating Fails; 
Veterinarian Takes Over 
What a guy! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~ 
Miners Refuse to Work 
after Death 
Those good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ 
Juvenile Court to Try 
Shooting Defendant 
See if that works any better than a fair trial! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~ 
War Dims Hope for Peace 
I can see where it might have that effect! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ 
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile 
Ya’ think?! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~ 
Cold Wave Linked to 
Temperatures 
Who would have thought! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ 
Enfield Couple Slain; 
Police Suspect Homicide 
They may be on to something! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~ 
Man Struck By Lightning: 
Faces  Battery Charge 
He probably IS the battery charge! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~ 
New Study of Obesity Looks forLarger Test Group 
Weren’t they fat enough?! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~ 
Astronaut Takes Blame for 
Gas in Spacecraft 
That’s what he gets for eating those beans! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~ 
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 
Do they taste like chicken? 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~ 
Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half 
Chain-saw Massacre all over again! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ 
Hospitals are Sued by 
7 Foot Doctors 
Boy, are they tall! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ 
And the winner is…. 
Typhoon Rips Through 
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 
Did I read that right?

 

 

___________________________________________________________________

For lovers 

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They Walk Among Us!!

22 12 2009

*Caution… They Walk Among Us!*
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted…..’Look at that dead bird!’ Someone looked up at the sky and said…’where???’*

**They Walk among us!!*
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the north?’ When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, ‘Oh, I don’t keep up with that stuff.’ *

**They Walk Among Us!!*
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but ‘didn’t
think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving’.*

**They Walk Among Us!!!!*
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it’s designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped………… She keeps it in the trunk…*

**They Walk Among Us!!!!!*
My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount…. *

**They Walk Among Us!!!!!!*
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, ‘Wouldn’t the chain rip out every time she turned her head?’ I had to explain that a person’s nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned…*

**They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! *
I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. ‘Now,’ she asked me, ‘Has your plane arrived yet?’…*

**They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!*
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
‘Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.*

**Yep, They Walk Among Us, too!*

*Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they reproduce, and vote!!!!*

___________________________________________________________________

For lovers http://su.pr/ANpJtl #giftidea

Join  5 Million For Change http://su.pr/4KhyN1 and make a difference!

For Grandma who has everything http://su.pr/6pnDX6 #giftidea

_____________________________________________________________________________

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PASTOR WITH GUTS!!!

21 12 2009

 

A Pastor with GUTS!

Thought you might enjoy this interesting
prayer given in Kansas at
the opening session of their Senate. It seems

prayer still upsets some
people.. When Minister Joe Wright was asked to open

the new session of the Kansas Senate, everyone
was expecting the usual
generalities,

but this is


what they heard:

Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask
your forgiveness and to seek your direction and
guidance. We know Your Word says, ‘Woe to those
who call evil good,’ but that is exactly what we
have done.

We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed
our values.

We have exploited the poor and called it
the lottery.

We have rewarded laziness and called it
welfare.

We have killed our unborn and called it
choice.

We have shot abortionists and called it
justifiable.

We have neglected to discipline our
children and called it building self esteem..

We have abused power and called it
politics.

We have coveted our neighbor’s possessions
and called it ambition.

We have polluted the air with profanity and
por
nography and called it freedom of expression.

We have ridiculed the time-honored values
of our forefathers and called it enlightenment.

Search us, Oh, God, and know our hearts
today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free.
Amen!

The response was immediate. A number of
legislators walked out during the prayer in
protest. In 6 short weeks, Central Christian
Church , where Rev. Wright is pastor, logged more than
5,000 phone calls with only 47 of those calls
responding negatively. The church is now receiving
international requests for copies of this prayer
from India , Africa and Korea .

Commentator Paul Harvey aired this prayer on
his radio program, ‘The Rest of the Story ,’and
received a larger response to this program than any
other he has ever aired.

With the Lord’s help, may this prayer sweep
over our nation and wholeheartedly become our
desire so that we again can be called ‘one nation
under God.’

If possible, please pass this prayer on to
your friends. ‘If you don’t stand for something,
you will fall for everything.’
 

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ONE OF THE BEST STORIES EVER TOLD!

21 12 2009

As she stood in front of her 5th grade class on the very first day of school, she told the children an untruth. Like most teachers, she looked at her students and said that she loved them all the same. However, that was impossible, because there in the front row, slumped in his seat, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard .  

  Mrs.. Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed that he did not play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy and that he constantly needed a bath. In addition, Teddy could be unpleasant. It got to the point where Mrs. Thompson would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X’s and then putting a big ‘F ‘ at the top of his papers. 

  At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required to review each child’s past records and she put Teddy’s off until last. However, when she reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise. 

  Teddy’s first grade teacher wrote, ‘Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners… He is a joy to be around..’ 

  His second grade teacher wrote, ‘Teddy is an excellent student, well liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home must be a struggle.’ 

  His third grade teacher wrote, ‘His mother’s death has been hard on him. He tries to do his best, but his father doesn’t show much interest, and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren’t taken.’ 

  Teddy’s fourth grade teacher wrote, ‘Teddy is withdrawn and doesn’t show much interest in school. He doesn’t have many friends and he sometimes sleeps in class.’ 

  By now, Mrs. Thompson realized the problem and she was ashamed of herself. She felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas presents, wrapped in beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy’s. His present was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper that he got from a grocery bag. Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was one-quarter full of perfume.. But she stifled the children’s laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume on her wrist. Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough to say, ‘Mrs. Thompson, today you smelled just like my Mom used to.’ 

  After the children left, she cried for at least an hour. On that very day, she quit teaching reading, writing and arithmetic. Instead, she began to teach children. Mrs. Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy. As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of the smartest children in the class and, despite her lie that she would love all the children the same, Teddy became one of her ‘teacher’s pets..’ 

  A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling her that she was the best teacher he ever had in his whole life. 

  Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still the best teacher he ever had in life. 

  Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he’d stayed in school, had stuck with it, and would soon graduate from college with the highest of honors. He assured Mrs. Thompson that she was still the best and favorite teacher he had ever had in his whole life. 

  Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he got his bachelor’s degree, he decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had. But now his name was a little longer…. The letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, MD. 

  The story does not end there. You see, there was yet another letter that spring. Teddy said he had met this girl and was going to be married. He explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit at the wedding in the place that was usually reserved for the mother of the groom. Of course, Mrs. Thompson did. And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. Moreover, she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their last Christmas together.

  They hugged each other, and Dr. Stoddard whispered in Mrs. Thompson’s ear, ‘Thank you Mrs. Thompson for believing in me. Thank you so much for making me feel important and showing me that I could make a difference.’ 

  Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back.. She said, ‘Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one who taught me that I could make a difference. I didn’t know how to teach until I met you.’

 (For you that don’t know, Teddy Stoddard is the Doctor at Iowa Methodist in Des Moines that has the Stoddard Cancer Wing.) 

 Warm someone’s heart today. . . pass this along. Most love this story so very much, they even cry each time they read it.

Just try to make a difference in someone’s life today? tomorrow? just ‘do it’. 

 Random acts of kindness, is what it is called!

Join 5 Million for Change and make a difference http://su.pr/4KhyN1

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A Very Blessed Christmas

21 12 2009

 

Christmas is a wonderful time when God’s Love

And goodwill fill people’s hearts

And the world is a little bit kinder

And more like it really should be every day.

 

Your’re the kind of person

Whose faith reflects

The true meaning of the season-

Not just at Christmas

But each day of the year

 

Everyone around you

Feels the gentle goodness

That you bring to their lives

And those who are touched

By your caring spirit

Receive a very special gift.

 

Wishing You a Christmas

Filled with God’s Blessings

And a truly prosperous New Year.

 

Las & Arlene Ratnayake

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

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________________________________________________________________________________________________________


 

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Red Marbles

20 12 2009

RED MARBLES

I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas.
I paid for my potatoes, but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes.
Pondering the peas, I couldn’t help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.
‘Hello, Barry, how are you today?’
‘Hello, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank you. Just admiring them peas. They sure look good.’
‘They are good, Barry. How’s your Ma?’
‘Fine. Getting stronger all the time.’
‘Good. Anything I can help you with?’
‘No, Sir. Just admiring the peas.’
‘Would you like to take some home?’ asked Mr. Miller.   

‘No, sir. Got nothing to pay for ‘em with.’
‘Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?’
‘All I have is my prize marble here.’
‘Is that right? Let me see it,’ said Miller.
‘Here ’tis. She’s a dandy.’
‘I can see that. Hmm mmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red.. Do you have a red one like this at home?’ the store owner asked.
‘ Not ‘zackley, but almost.’
‘Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble,’ Mr. Miller told the boy.
‘Sure will. Thanks, Mr. Miller.’
Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me.
With a smile, she said, ‘There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn’t like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store.’
I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to   Colorado  , but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys and their bartering for marbles.
Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community, and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his visitation that evening, and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary, we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.
Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts. . all very professional looking. They approached Mrs Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband’s casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket..
Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.
Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband’s bartering for marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.
‘Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim ‘traded’ them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size. . they came to pay their debt. We’ve never had a great deal of the wealth of this world,’ she confided,’ but right now Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho.’
With loving gentleness, she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.

The Moral: We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath.


Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles ~ A fresh pot of coffee you didn’t make yourself. . An unexpected phone call from an old friend. . Green stoplights on your way to work. . . The fastest line at the grocery store. . .A good sing-along song on the radio. . .Your keys found right where you left them.


Send this to the people you’ll never forget. I just did. .


If you don’t send it to anyone, it means you are in way too much of a hurry to even notice the ordinary miracles when they occur.

IT’S NOT WHAT YOU GATHER,
BUT WHAT YOU SCATTER THAT TELLS
WHAT KIND OF LIFE YOU HAVE LIVED!

 

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